


Darkest Desires

by terrahfry



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Actual thought out writing, Anxiety, Blood, Bottom!Pennywise, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Femdom, Mary Sue, Original Character(s), Pegging, Pennywise as a pet, Self-Harm, Sub!Pennywise, Therapy session for the writer, cute pennywise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-02-01 07:58:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12700683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terrahfry/pseuds/terrahfry
Summary: Zella finds herself in the sewers after another episode and meets Derry's local sewer clown. She hates that she's gotten so low that only a monster will listen to her.





	1. Despair

**Author's Note:**

> First, READ THE TRIGGERS. Okay, started a new story. It’s not exactly reader x Pennywise, it’s my female OC (kinda Mary Sue, don’t kill me), I just created for this fic. Basically I’ve been really depressed with anything not Penny related in my life, so I wrote this to make myself feel better and purge my feelings. A lot of myself, even the tattoo is in this OC, and some of the shit she talks about I’ve experienced or felt, I do have depression and anxiety. Penny is OOC when it comes to Zella in true Mary Sue fashion, but is not tamed. Tho knowing me, it will be sub!Penny, bottom!Penny, femdon, pegging, but later. There’s only a little nsfw in the first chapter. Really don’t read it if you’re not into shit like this, I know it’s not for everyone and that’s okay, I don’t expect everyone to like it. Yes, I wanted my favorite monster to cheer me up. Trigger warnings; cutting, self harm, blood, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, child abuse, fear, attraction to monsters.

We all have ulterior motives, we all make excuses every day. But that’s not always the bad thing people make it out to be. Because see, some make excuses just to get out of bed every day, or to clean up, or to go to work, or just find new reasons to live another day, another week, another month, another year. Depression and anxiety both are assholes, and for some they need those excuses, no matter how small, to get out of bed and face the bullshit that’s thrown at them again and again and again. They don’t want to lay down and die, so they fight.. But sometimes even that gets to be too much, so they rest, needing those excuses to get up again the next day and deal. Sometimes all they can manage is to deal and that has to be enough, it has to be. 

Her sneakers squelched as she made her way through the sewer system. How she had ended up in the sewers, she doesn’t know. She blacked out long ago to her emotions or her rationality. It had been bad today, so bad, the worst it had been in so long and she remembers the panic, the thing she done that she swore she’d never do again, but always did again no matter what, and the numbness that followed. She remembers just walking outside, walking and walking. She walked through the graveyard without any chill despite the weather being cold, no fear despite it being dark and late. She walked through the woods just the same as the cemetery, not giving a damn if something were to snatch her up. She was now tired, but the day came crashing back, she wasn’t numb anymore, just tired. How had she got to the sewers? It didn’t matter. She spotted a chair of all things aways in the tunnel. At first it seemed odd to see in a sewer.. But then she reasoned that maybe some homeless people occupied down here to get out of the weather. The thought made her sadder. She was supposed to do great things. And yet, she had done nothing with her life, nothing at all. She was nothing and no one was missing her right now, no one knew where she was or that she was even gone. She had no friends, her family didn’t care. Why would they? They all gave up on her. No one wanted to deal with her bullshit, she was truly and utterly alone. 

With a weary sigh, she collapsed into the chair, realizing then her feet hurt from all that walking in Converse sneakers by the pins and needles feeling in the bottom of her feet. Is that what the original Little Mermaid felt with every human step she took, walking on knives, was this how it felt? Probably not, she was just a pussy, the thoughts told her. No wonder no one loved her, or wanted to put up with her. Look where one of her episodes got her. In a shithole, where she belonged. 

The voices hurt, but offered her the truth as she saw it. She dropped her head in her hands and cried, her heart aching. How could it break anymore than it already had? How could something so stupid hurt so bad. It never made sense, it never would. How could she be so broken?!

It hadn’t been awake very long, a few days at most. Immediately It had needed to hunt for food, not allowed to be too awful picky and had picked up some shady looking guy near the Neibolt house. Usually adults weren’t fun, but this one pretty easily pissed himself. It was 2017, and humans had yet again proven to be weirder than the ones from the last 27 years. Humans. Wretched creatures. It was then, while stalking the sewer tunnels that It caught a whiff of something pained.. The smell of such agony and heartbreak. Not the same as fear, but the mere beginning of possibility of fear. He followed the feeling radianting through the tunnels, loneliness and self pity and doubt. It had already started to salivate as It got nearer, the waves of desolation and pure ache and need washing over the creature. As he got close, he could see a figure slumped over in a chair, head in their hands as they cried. Such a beautiful mournful sound. Why the human was sobbing in Its lair did not matter to the creature as much. Though it did seem strange that the human just showed up in Its home. 

She pushed her hair back from her tear soaked face, sniffling and using her long sleeves to dry her wet face and eyes. This was all ridiculous, she knew, she had done it again and made a big deal out of nothing.. But it wasn’t just nothing this time. Her arm hurt and she rubbed it, feeling the sting under the cotton of her sleeve. She hated this. She hated everything and nothing seemed like it’d ever be okay. The thought struck her like lightening, shooting through her mind and heart like ice. Nothing would ever be okay. It never had been, it never would. Why could she never see it? Hope was pointless, because it’d never get better, because it simply never had her whole life. She always pushed forward because she had honestly believed things would be alright in the future.. She’d be alright in the future.. And now she saw that she had always been wrong. She sighed, dropping her head. 

The creature now sensed the hopelessness, the defeat.. And oddly enough the fear. It could read the human’s emotions, pick up what the human feared and dreaded. But this fear and dread was different in a way. Fear of loneliness, rejection, failure, fear of.. other people.. It didn’t want to use that.. So It looked deeper, looked for a monster to create. It was so hungry and the human smelled so good. 

She looked up when she heard the noise, sounding like it came deep within the tunnel.

Scurrying. 

A rat. 

Then a sound like metal claws scraping on the tunnel walls, echoing in the dark. Her first thought was of Freddy Kreuger from A Nightmare in Elm Street. She loved those movies, but they were just movies. Besides, she never feared Freddy. Now Jason Vorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise was scarier. She always figured she could take Freddy in the dream world. She was badass in her dreams, fearless, she fought monsters in her dreams, giant snakes, giant spiders that grew, were hard to kill and flew. In her dreams she could float. She could run away. She could get away, visit weird places and search for treasure and no place or nobody could keep her prisoner. In her dreams she was free, and skinny and didn’t have anxiety or depression. Suddenly she longed for sleep. Just sleep forever. Wouldn’t that be death though? 

She only flinched slightly when she saw the creature. Mainly taken aback by how ridiculous it was. Like some monster out of her dreams. Take the body from the waist up of Jason from Jason Takes Manhattan (the eighth Friday the 13th film) on top of eight giant hairy spider legs, all crawling towards her out from the tunnel and wielding that sickass machete. As a horror fan, she’d thought whatever was creating the monster was cool as hell, had she just not gave a damn at the moment in how low she felt. The thing was massive, terrifying and silly all at once and the legs came closer, ending in sharp points that could skewer her all the way through. The Jason body was now turning more into the Jason Goes To Hell version, flesh appearing like it was bubbling through the mask, bloated and ready to explode. Jason raised the machete and brought it down towards her, stopping right before it crashed into her skull. She didn’t even budge and Jason turned his head in confusion. She didn’t even blink. 

“Go ahead. Do it. I don’t give a shit anymore.” She said, lowering her head again. 

The creature lowered the machete, still tilting Its head in confusion. What the hell was wrong with this human? She wasn’t scared? She wasn’t scared of Its monster, not even impressed? She wasn’t afraid to die? The Jason figure dropped its shoulders and then began to shrink back down into its usual form of a tall lanky clown. She stared at It. The clown was in this grayish antique Victorian-like clown costume, almost resembling a frilly dress. There were so many frills, a large white frilly collar all around Its neck, ballooned puffy sleeves at the shoulders and sleeves that belled out at the bottom with white gloves. The pants ended also in belled-like sleeves above the boots that were black with jagged white triangles and furry red pompoms on the tops, three furry red pompoms were also in a roll going down the chest, and ropes of red and burgundy was around the waist, the arms, the wrists and the bottoms of the legs. The head was more alien in appearance than human, the makeup white with full dark red lips with lines curling up from the corners of the lips, up the cheeks and thru the eyes that were circled in black, with the nose painter the same red. The eyes were pretty normal, but a eerie fiery gold, and the left seemed to be looking in another direction entirely. And the hair was a bright orangish red that stuck up and curled like fluffy cotton candy. 

“What’re you waiting for, clown?!” She screamed. “Do it!”

“You want to die?” The creature’s eyes dulled to a brilliant blue. 

“I just don’t care anymore.” She said. 

Well, that was just no fun. It was a free meal, sure. But there was no fear to season the meat, only a sour bitterness. It wasn’t good this way. It wanted her to be afraid. The clown sighed and sat down cross-legged beside her chair, resting Its elbow on Its leg and Its chin on Its fist. It seemed to be thinking.

“What do you want?” She asked.

The question took It by surprise. “You’re.. sad..”

“So?!” She yelled. Then she slouched, anger dissipating. “Like you'd care."

"Maybe I could cheer you up. I could give you a balloon.” The clown said, wringing Its hands together. 

She gave a dry laugh. The creature was kind of cute in a odd way. It shouldn’t be, but it was. “Balloons squeak. I don’t like when things squeak. It hurts my ears.”

“You don’t have to squeak it. It’s on a string. You hold the string.” Even the voice was cute, raspy, but soothing. Like it was dragging you into a false sense of security. 

Then a red balloon appeared out of nowhere, the clown’s gloved fingers holding its string. She stared in wonder. Where had that come from? 

“What are you?” She asked. 

“I’m Pennywise, the dancing clown.” The clown gave a shake and the outfit jingled as It smiled. It looked like a little kid, wanting praise and approval. 

“No. I mean what are you?”

Pennywise tilted Its head in confusion again. “I’m a clown.”

“You made a balloon appear out of thin air. You turned into a Jason Spider monster. What are you?”

Penny shook Its head. “An eldritch, I come from far away, in another universe, I’ve always existed.”

She nodded. “Oh-kay.. I’m Zella. It means ‘shadow’. It’s not my real name, but I prefer it.”

"Your real name is Erin.” Penny said. 

"How do you know that? You been stalking me? Can you read minds?” She asked. 

Penny swallowed and shook Its head, making the bells jingle again. “No stalking. I cannot. I can tell certain things about people. Your fear, your pain.. You’re in pain.” The creature was now drooling. 

“Poor you.” She sighed. “What’s a clown doing in the sewer?”

“Storm blew me away. Blew the whole circus away.” Those lips curled up into a smile before looking pouty. “Can you smell the circus, Zella?”

“No, all I smell is shit.” Zella said and Penny laughed. 

The laugh was weird. Harmonious-like. “AhHAHuhah.” Like giggles. 

“Least someone is laughing.” She sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Zella. Here.” He offered her the balloon. “You shouldn’t be sad.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that all before.” Her voice took on an over exaggerated cheery tone. “..'Oh, you’re depressed? Well, just cheer up! That’s all you have to do, just stop being depressed, it’s sooo easy.’ Or, my favorite,” She said sarcastically so it obviously wasn’t her favorite. “..'Oh, my god, stop, there are people worse off than you’.” She said in a preppy tone. “Well, I fucking know there are people worse off than me, and my heart aches for them! If they’re worse off than I am, I really feel sorry for them, that’s the truth too. I hate seeing people suffer, but why don’t they care that I’m suffering? My pain isn’t important.”

Penny seemed to be genuinely listening. Well, It was. The creature had to learn things from humans to interact and hunt better. He could learn from this one. Maybe cheer her up, make her happy, make her want to live and then make her afraid to die. He salivated at the thought. Why not? 

“You sure do drool a lot.” Zella broke him from his thoughts. She gave a dry laugh that held no humor. “I hate that I feel like I do, Penny. I wish I could just 'cheer up’, I wish it were as easy as saying it.”

“Well, you can talk to Pennywise, yes yes, Pennywise will listen.” The creature smiled a creepily adorable smile. It almost seemed genuine. It also seemed a bit goofy. This whole creature was goofy and creepy. 

“Clowns have never cheered me up, or made me laugh, dude, most just seem creepy to me in the bad touch way.” So what was it about this damn clown that was so alluring..? Zella took a deep breath and shuddered. She was getting cold now. She only wore a dark purple and black stripped long sleeve thermal and black pants with her black Converse that provided no warmth to her feet. But soon she felt a thick blanket be wrapped around her by the tall clown. Was he truly sincere? Zella could never tell, probably not, her trust in anyone or anything was broken years ago and continued to get shattered over and over again throughout her life. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Penny asked and sat back down, head rested in his open palm as his elbow rested back on his knee. 

“I don’t know. Being pathetic?” She sighed again. “Look, if you’re not going to kill me, just leave me alone.”

Penny studied her. It would be a quick easy meal, and her misery would taste good.. But It wanted to study her more. It did not scare her. But she was afraid of things. All humans were. “You’re lonely. Pennywise could offer company.”

Why did he refer to himself in the third person sometimes? It was kinda cute, like he was talking to a child. But she wasn’t a damn child! “Why?” Oh, lord, had she really gotten so pathetic that a monster was the only thing who wanted to pay her any mind? 

“You seem like you need a friend. Humans need friends. I could be your friend.” Penny said. She liked watching his shapely blood red lips when he talked, how they formed as he said words. They were so full and bright. Why? Was she really so fucked up she was attracted to a monster? 

“I don’t know.” She said. 

“What’s there to know?” Penny asked. 

“You’re not gonna viciously rape me later, are you? Cuz I’m not into that shit. Or macho bullshit. And I don’t need a Daddy. My real father died years ago, and he was a real piece of shit.” Her father had been evil, truly, but that was another issue. But aside from her biological father, she wasn’t into daddykink with some older dude personally. There was nothing wrong with it, she just didn’t like it for herself. 

Penny tilted his head. She wasn’t afraid of being raped, not that he wanted to use that, he just checked. She just wasn’t into it. That did not matter to the clown. “No. That’s fine. Good. And I’m sorry he was like that.” He answered. 

She smiled for the first time, but it was short and sad. Then she rubbed her left forearm arm and It smelled the blood. She flinched when the clown shot up and grabbed her wrist, forcing her sleeve up and making it scratch past all the cuts she had earlier left on her arm. 

“Let go. Now.” She commanded. 

The thing whined. He fucking whined. He studied her cuts, long slashes that crisscrossed on her inner forearm. “What..? What happened..?” The creature asked. He noticed they slashed through a tattoo on her inner forearm. “I am not afraid to keep on living.” He read it. 

“It’s My Chemical Romance, Famous Last Words off The Black Parade album. I once believed in those lyrics. I once believed in Gerard’s words. Now..? I don’t know what I believe. Maybe I am afraid to keep on living.” She said. “So fuck it."

Well, well, well, that was something. He could keep her alive and feed on her fear. The anxiety she felt. “Why would you do this to yourself?”

"Cuz I’m psycho. According to the internet crowd, according to my family, according to my ex bff’s replacement bff. I’m dangerous.” She said sarcastically. She had once told her ex friend Carla in confidence, in fucking private, that she used to cut. When Carla found a new bestie to replace her because she couldn’t handle Zella anymore, the new bff Lori told Zella in an argument that she was only in therapy because she was a danger to herself. The bitch couldn’t have known she cut, so Carla had to have told Lori. When Zella told Lori that she didn’t know her, to fuck off, Carla said, no, Lori was 'in the know.’ 

Penny did not believe that she was dangerous. “It doesn’t bother me. Humans can be cruel.”

“You said it, sister.” Zella said. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself, just destroy that image, destroy the voices, make them stop. I hate them. I wanted the pain in here to stop.” She pointed at her heart. Penny could see a darkness in her and It liked it. Physical pain to ease emotional, It got it. It understood. 

She hissed as he pressed a rough gloved finger over her cuts and applied pressure, making them sting a bit. It felt kinda nice. Then the creature was crouching down to lick a long tongue over her cuts, lapping up the blood. Its eyes literally rolled back in Its head and It hummed in satisfaction. The blood tasted so good. How could it not? She stared at It in disbelief, that abnormally long slithery tongue. And what the hell? The saliva burned the cuts a bit. Penny could feel and hear her heart rate pick up in slight panic, but also pleasure. She was enjoying this. It really wasn’t sure how It felt about that, but it tasted good. She was breathing heavy how, heart pounding. Panic, fear. There it was. And there was also.. Arousal..?

Zella blushed furiously. This was turning her on and she didn’t know how she felt about that. She had never been sexually attracted to monsters or clowns ever before. Never ever ever. She yanked her arm away from the slithery slippery tongue. The thing was drooling even more now and It growled because she pulled away from It, adorable buck teeth becoming jagged rolls of shark-like fangs. Eyes burning golden. Those teeth. They were awesome. Even the mouth seemed to stretch bigger for larger bites. He could swallow her whole. But she had never wanted to die while being eaten. Not by an animal, not by a shark, not by a zombie, not by a werewolf, maybe by a vampire.. Not by this thing..?

It growled lowly and then twitched, shaking Its head. It had let its teeth out. It hadn’t wanted that to happen, not now anyway. Penny looked back up at Zella, razor sharp teeth gone, face back to normal, eyes back to neutral blue. 

"What the hell?!” She yelled, the sound echoing off the tunnel walls. 

Penny ducked Its head down and cowered away. It didn’t like being scolded. “S-s-sorry..” The only way he knew how to say those words was to mimick Bill Denbrough as It had 27 years ago. Those words burned. Why should It be sorry to this human? It should be eating her. But.. It didn’t want to. Not yet. 

Zella stood up, towering over the creature as it crouched down. Which was impressive since it was about 6'5 and she was 5'6. It gave her a sense of power to have the creature at her feet, shivering. Was it mimicking fear? She should feel mocked. The creature’s pants were wet. It hadn’t pissed itself..? No. Then why were they wet? “Awe, you afraid? Of me? I don’t buy that. Stop.”

It was shivering for reasons other than fearing this human. It did fear this human, but only because of what this human was making It feel. Something It hadn’t felt in a long time. Arousal. The human didn’t know of Its anatomy, so she didn’t know why It was wet, but it was the same as a human female getting wet, as they say. It had been to the library, had researched, It knew some things about humans. It had to. 

"No.” It said defiantly. “You do not scare me. That’s not why..” It stopped, panting. This wasn’t heat, this couldn’t be heat. It was afraid. Because now It felt a connection to this human, It couldn’t kill her. Not now. Maybe not later like It had planned. It whimpered and rubbed the bulge that tented the pants. 

“Gross. Maybe all men really are alike.” She huffed. She wasn’t mad. This was a monster, a creature, not human, a freaking alien. It didn’t care what It did. It was like an animal who could talk. 

"I am not a man.” Though It had took the form of a male clown, as it understood. 

"May I ask what are you then?”

“I am genderless according to human anatomy. My anatomy is not like your species.” The tent in the creature’s pants seemed to writhe and wiggle on its own. 

"What is it then, tentacles and teeth?” She snorted. 

Penny looked down. “Exactly.” It then laughed. 

“Are you serious..?” She swallowed. Her curiosity peaked. She wanted to see it, but yet, she didn’t want to. 

Penny was on his knees now, rocking his hips into his hand as he rubbed himself through the frilly gray material. He then whimpered and let out a groan that went straight to her imaginary cock and made her throb. Well, that added a new fear she now completely felt. The fucking adorable clown monster was turning her on. Penny sensed this, and was a bit pleased. 

“Whelp, I should get home now, leave you to it.” She said. 

It jerked its head up and was fast to its feet, blocking her way out. “You’ll come back? I come visit?” 

"Sure..?” She said, perplexed. 

It giggled again, jingling the bells. “You’re always welcome here, little one.” It stroked her long dark hair. That felt nice, but.. 

“Don’t call me little one. I hate it. Do I look little to you?” She wasn’t small, she was chubby and large boned. Not like Eric Cartman, 'I’m not fat, I’m big boned’ shit. She knew she was fat, but she was also big boned. It helped her carry the extra weight though. 

“Oh..” He smiled. “Well, I mean you’re smaller than Pennywise.”

Okay, he had her there. “So? What are you, a size queen?”

It tilted its head in that adorable monster puppy way. She smiled at least. 

“I need to get home though. I don’t know why, I have nothing to wake up for, or look forward to. I got fired today. Cuz I panicked. I worked at a department store, and I saw this big mountain of a woman grabbing her kid’s arm tight and yanking him around and making him cry, yelling at him and threatening to beat him.. And when she raised her hand, I lost it. I started yelling at her and pushed her away from the kid and told her if she did hit that child, I’d beat her ass. My boss came over and the woman bitched about me. He apologized to her and scolded me and embarrassed me in front of everyone there. No one cared about the abusive mother. Just me being weird and rude cuz I lashed out at something society thinks is normal, when I know firsthand that it’s wrong. Especially since I was abused growing up. I knew it’d eventually happen, I’d panic and freak out. It always happens. No one wants me or cares what I have to say or about how I feel. It sucks. But, oh well..” Why was she telling It this? 

Penny felt unnaturally concerned. This felt awful. He hugged the human against his chest. Zella tensed for a long moment before hugging back. Over her shoulder his blue eyes flashed golden. No one was going to hurt this human. They deserved the hurt, not her. He’d pay her former boss a little visit. 

“I’m s-s-sorry..”

She pulled back. “You don’t usually stutter, why do you do it only on that word?”

"Hard to say that word. And it’s a long story.” It knew she wouldn’t want to hear about It terrorizing and eating children. It’d have to keep that quiet, or be done with it for awhile. “Let me take you home..?” 

“Why not? There’s crazies out there.” She laughed, actually laughed. Penny had helped. That felt strange. He hated it, but yet, he didn’t hate it at all. 

Later when Zella awoke in bed the next day, she figured the night before was all a bizarre dream.. Until she noticed the red balloon tied to her bottom bed rails, and that the cuts across her arm were now all healed, the tattoo unscathed.


	2. Destructive Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny hasn't shown up and Zella succumbs to the bad voices in a destructive way. Heed warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some really depressing thoughts and stuff, bad negative voices, destructive actions and self harm, so if you could be triggered by any of this, please don't read, I want readers safe. I had a really depressing day last month and I wanted to do bad things to myself, and had some real bad thoughts, but instead I wrote some of my feelings into this, so it was therapy for me, and vital for the character. Depressing chapter, but necessary to progress the fic. During that time I had some nasty messages in my reblogs on my tumblr saying they hoped I was poor and had no voice and was sick because I like a fictional monster. Yes, they depressed me more, when usually I'd just laughed at them. I'm 31, I can make my own decisions, Penny is not real, and they should mind their own business since I'm not hurting anyone. And yes, I plan on writing more, I just hadn't had the time with the holidays.

The day was pretty boring compared to last night, hell, all of yesterday. No job. No life. Zella sat around in comfy pajamas, these black fleece pants with colorful skull designs on them with a black t-shirt with a grim reaper riding a skeletal horse atop a mound of skulls. She was now eating a bowl of Count Chocula because it was the Halloween season and it was the only time the monster cereals came out. Halloween, her favorite holiday. She knew she loved it still, had always loved it, other than music, Halloween and spooky shit was probably her first love. But this year seemed off, she had barely even decorated, and now she'd have no cash for all the pretty new decorations. There's always next year, she'd tell herself.. She was getting sick of waiting on next year, because next year was always like the previous year, and it sucked.

Zella had slept until the afternoon, which was a good part of not working. She was now trying to watch some cheesy horror movie on SyFy. She usually loved their cheesy ass scary movies, especially shark movies in the summer, that they hadn't really played this year, other than making people wait until August for Sharknado. Worth it though, she loved those corny movies. They were so stupid and fun. However, she longed for an actual good horror movie. Horror movies didn't scare her anymore, hadn't since she was a kid, now she just loved them, she would watch and giggle with glee at the gory death scenes or scary parts. They delighted her. She knew it was all fake, just makeup and props and fake blood. It was okay to cheer for a character's death because it was fictional. No one was actually murdered. Though murder fascinated her, especially forensic science, and human psychology. She should have went to school and became a forensic scientist, or a psychologist. But no, she never went to college, could never make up her stupid mind. Put it off and put it off until she was too afraid. She was in her damn 30s, and she was and had nothing. That sucked. Real crimes were what was scary, the news was scary, what people could do to others without remorse was scary. But movies were fiction. The horrors of the real world was what was making her increasingly ever more nervous to step outside.

The movie ended. The baddie had actually succeeded in that one and had their plans actually go through, no characters survived the nightmare it put them through. Sometimes monsters win.

She was bored, the next movie sucked and she flipped through channels to find something. She settled on a Bigfoot documentary that would probably be all about skeptics mocking believers in the childish way they did. All these documentaries were about anymore were skeptics making fun of people who believed the paranormal or cryptids were real. She didn't care if Bigfoot was real, but who cared if people believed that he might be? It's not like Bigfoot believers were trying to take people's rights away or tell people who they couldn't marry and shit.

She looked down at her arm and the healed tattoo. She thought about last night and the sewer clown. She wondered if it had all been a dream. Maybe she never cut herself up and wandered away. There was no such thing as Pennywise, it was too bizarre. Besides, even if it was real, it's not like he'd ever visit her again. Why would he want to? She was nobody, a nothing, no one cared about her. Why would a monster care? It'd be pretty sad anyway if only a monster cared about her. 'You are so pathetic not even the monsters like you.' Haha, what a joke. Seriously though, why bother? They'd probably never even cross paths again.

It was actually very painful to think about. Was she so down and delusioned by depression that she'd consider being friends with a clown monster?

She found herself laying on the couch on her side, wanting so badly to cry and choking it down. It was one of those moments that she hated. Her chest ached with sorrow, her throat constricted. But she would not cry over this. So what her feelings didn't matter and she had no voice. So what she was almost poor and wasn't important. She had no right to be upset about it, she had been told this many times by many people. Maybe one day, she'd make herself truly believe it, and then she'd stop feeling things that she wasn't allowed to by other's standards. 

The minutes dragged into hours, and she was still all alone. She never thought Penny would really show today or tonight. She knew he wouldn't, but that didn't, in fact, stop her from being disappointed. So she let the vicious inner voices insult her and drag her down.

Zella.. No, Erin, her name was Erin, no changing that, she wasn't special. Erin got up with a weary sigh and went to brush her teeth and go to bed. She didn't have the energy anymore. Next week she'd go and apologize and beg for her job back. It's not like she was making a big stand anyway, child abuse was okay with them, it didn't matter if she'd been abused as a child and that was a trigger and made her panic, children have no voice. She had no voice. She went to bed, popping the red balloon first. It wasn't real, she had gotten so crazy she was hallucinating friends.. And even in her hallucinations, they didn't want to play with her, only mock her. Fuck it. She took a few Benadryl tablets to put her to sleep, even in her dreams anymore no one wanted her and her family treated her like shit. She used to have cool dreams where she was beautiful and badass. She hated sleep. She hated being awake.

Meanwhile Pennywise had kept himself invisible as It watched her. She was so sad, and that tasted as good as fear, depression was tasty like fear, anxiety was fear. But It couldn't help but feel bad for feeding off of it while she was so hurting. It didn't know why, It had never had any need to feel remorse for any human. So why this one, why now? She was nothing to It.. or anyone apparently, at least according to her. These feelings tasted good, but they also worried Pennywise, because It was starting to feel them Itself. And It didn't like how that felt. Maybe It should leave this human alone and stop feasting on her sadness, go hunt someone else who would be afraid of It.

When she popped the balloon It got another taste of emotion, anger, betrayal, and those were bitter and It didn't like them. It had disappointed her, and that bothered It for some reason and it shouldn't at all. Why was It feeling this way? Pennywise fixed the balloon before leaving. Maybe it'd offer as an apology that It wasn't ready to give vocally yet.

It would leave this human alone and not care what would become of her.

Erin popped the balloon again when she got up the next day. She probably needed mental help. But she could just hear the therapist now "well, you can come back since you're soooo sad." Which is exactly what a therapist said to her a few years ago when she sought out a therapist. She found the worst one, one who actually didn't care, and for once it wasn't just in her imagination. Why even become a therapist if you're not going to help or believe people? She'd rather not go to be mocked again. Even though, rationally, she knew all therapists weren't all like that just because one old woman was, but her anxiety didn't want to go meet new people to try again, so she used that they wouldn't care as an excuse. Or she'd tell herself that she couldn't afford one who would at least pretend to care for money.

Erin found herself in the bathroom, staring into the mirror. 'You're so ugly, who would love you?' Her reflection mocked. 'No one will ever care about you, look how stupid you are, you should just die, die in a ditch, you pathetic worthless waste of space..'

The voices were getting so loud, and surrounding her and spinning out of control until she couldn't take anymore and broke the mirror with her fist. She breathed heavily, trying to calm down and feeling the sting of the glass in her knuckles. That felt so good, how fucked up was she? She pulled a piece out without feeling it much. The voices stopped for awhile at least.

She got in the shower and the water stung the cuts, but she didn't care as the blood swirled down the drain. She fixed her hand when she was done. She didn't know what to do with herself right now and it bothered her, worried her. She hated it. She felt so trapped by it, the crippling loneliness and regret. 'It's not normal to feel this way!' The voices screamed. 'You're not normal.'

"I know." She sighed wearily. She was tired of arguing with herself.

Penny swore he'd not check in on her again.. But he couldn't help it. Then all he heard was glass shattering. When he made himself visible, Zella was demolishing the room, throwing shit here and there, screaming and cursing at objects. Pure passionate anger and pain. And the blood, he smelled the blood and was on her quickly, grabbing her wrist and inhaling the sweet aroma of the thick red liquid running down her arm. She had cut her arm up again and now her hand was bloody and cut up too.

"What did you do?" He growled.

She jerked her hand away. "Why are you here?! You aren't real! You can't be real! Leave me alone. I may be crazy, but I want to be crazy alone."

Penny stepped back, taken aback. "I'm not real enough for you?" Not mocking like he once had, but genuinely concerned.

"Nothing like you is real, okay. I believe in ghosts and space aliens and shit, but things like you can't be real. I can't be hallucinating something like you. They'll lock me away. I don't want to be locked away and heavily medicated against my will.. I'd like some fucking shock therapy though, maybe these voices would quit and maybe it'd make me a vegetable so I'd not have to feel this shit anymore. Or maybe I want those meds too. If they give me the good shit, yeah." She panted, brushing her hair behind her ear and getting blood on the side of her face.

Pennywise tilted his head to the side. She thought he was a hallucination? Oh, that was interesting. That was very interesting indeed. "If I'm just a hallucination, then maybe I'm the part of you that doesn't want you hurting yourself, ever think about that, human?" He said, folding his arms elegantly. "And you do not want shock therapy, trust me. It's a human torture worse than anything I could ever conceive." He had used it to terrify some young adults years ago.

"Shock therapy isn't as bad as it was in the 60s, they've made it more humane over the years. And there is no part of me that cares about me." She said and plopped down on the couch.

"No one cares about me either. I'm happier with it that way." Penny said softly. He had never had need for anyone to care about him, there really wasn't any of his kind around, and humans had always been his food source, and interacting with them was just so he could feed.

Zella swallowed dryly. "You're a predator, it works in your favor that way. I'm human, and even the most antisocial of us wants some friends. I have none."

Penny slunk down beside her on the floor at her feet and nuzzled her thigh like a cat. "I'll be your friend, human." And his head turned to stare up at her with wide blue eyes, mouth hung open and tongue peeking out. He looked so dopey and cute. How was he cute? How was a monster cute?! Why did she think that? She was so fucked up.

"Why would you want to be?" She asked.

Penny was walking gloved fingers up her thigh and slipping up to try and grab her wrist. She left him this time. "Don't know. I'd like to figure that one out for myself as well.." He giggled, the sweetest sound, so comforting. And that tongue swept back out to lick up all her cuts and damage, lapping up the blood and sealing the wounds so they could disappear.

He thought that once another one of his species said that they could only heal their soul mates. Why would he be able to heal this human? They weren't soul mates. He then got to her hand and made sure to lick up all the blood. Well, he wasn't a vampire, but blood was still part of his diet. So, this was a small snack at least.

"There's a darkness I see inside you, Zella.." He echooed her name.

"Erin. My name is Erin."

"I like Zella better.. Or maybe Master.. I want to feed this darkness and use it to avenge you. I'll show you how." Penny nuzzled her thigh again, purring like a feline.

Well, at least this hallucination was interesting, she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10 years ago I tried to go see a therapist, and she didn't believe anything was wrong with me, but did said I could come back "since you're soooo sad." That's not an exaggeration, she said it sarcastic and coldly. I never went back. A few short years ago I did get lucky to find my wonderful therapist who does listen to me and doesn't try to tell me how I feel and doesn't judge or mock me. But I still have bad days, just not as destructive as in this chapter. I just switched to calling Penny a he. I'm also a Halloween/horror girl, so so is Zella. There will be more Penny after this, I promise. Some bad stuff will happen, I will not make excuses for it, but this is still a horror story and Penny is still a horror villain. It's just fiction.


	3. Temporary Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zella deals with a day of defeat while Penny hunts, it's then he realizes she can call to him and he can hear it. She realizes she likes the clown, more so than other humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh.. Kisses.. Also, Penny eats a guy.

Zella had stayed in bed today. Pennywise watched her for a bit while staying invisible. She slept for a long time. She was completely unaware that Penny was watching. She just didn't feel like getting up, she'd move and change positions every once in awhile is all.

Depression was a bitch, and it really took its toll sometimes, like today, she felt weak and lethargic, just drained of life and energy, too tired to get up and go about the day. She knew that these days were the days when she was supposed to force herself up out of bed and into a shower and at least make it to the couch to watch tv. When she was still working, she'd have to force herself up and into a shower and out to work, she'd have to force herself to just deal with it and suck it up. But she had no job right now, so she chose defeat today. Just today. Just for a little while. She'd rest today and save up her strength to fight tomorrow.

She was just thankful that these days didn't always happen. They weren't an every day occurrence. She considered them reboot days, everyone needed days to reboot. It wasn't as bad as the past two days anyhow.

She thought about last night. What did the clown mean by he saw a darkness in her? Did it really matter? Penny was a monster, he wasn't human, he probably didn't even fully understand how humans functioned.

Penny watched her roll over and push the covers down a little. She wasn't exactly sad today. This was a weird confusing emotion, it wasn't his choice flavor; defeat. He usually loved when prey fought, not gave up. He had already decided Zella wasn't prey.. But it wasn't the first time she had tasted of defeat, it probably wouldn't be the last.

Zella picked up her phone and turned it on, the light hurting her eyes a bit in the dark room. She kept it darkish, with a little light shining so it wasn't pitch black, but was just right. She had been terrified of the dark as a child, and of the monsters waiting in it. She always had an overactive imagination; which she had to have since she lived far away from any kids and was very lonely, not that she had many friends anyhow, and had to deal with shit from her parents, she had to have a place to escape and be free. She also loved scary stories and would read them all the time. Yeah, she was afraid of the dark then, and of the monsters, but she couldn't give up her scary books or the monsters. She'd sleep with a night light as a kid, and got used to it. Now she could only sleep comfortably with a certain kind of lighting. She wasn't afraid of the dark anymore, and could watch any horror movie and then go walk through her house in pitch black dark without fear. And she wasn't afraid of the monsters anymore, not really.. But she still had a little lamp for a bit of an eerie glow of light.

She groaned. It was 3pm. She had to get up. Suddenly though eight hairy spider legs literally popped up through her screen and she screamed and dropped the phone. She had been expecting the large tarantula to crawl out and under her bed, but the legs disappeared. She stared at the phone on the ground and shivered, her skin itching like it was crawling on her. She gazed around the darkened room illuminated by the soft yellowish glow of light. No one or nothing there.

Had she imagined it, or was Penny playing tricks? She figured at this point, either was possible. She got up and went into the kitchen. She usually felt better after a shower, and knew she should take one, but didn't feel like it right now. Instead she turned on the tv and went to microwave some rice. Bad horror movies were on, ones she cared not for, so she flipped it to something else. She wondered if the clown would show again.. She wished he would, she was bored and lonely.

As the hours went on, Penny didn't show. She thought if he was a part of her crazed mind, she could conjure him, so she tried, but still no sewer clown. Maybe she couldn't control the hallucinations. She tried calling out to him by saying his name. Still no clown.

"Okay, are you like Beetlejuice? Do I have to say your name three times? Pennywise, Pennywise, Pennywise.." She waited. Still nothing. "You're stubborn, aren't you?" She sighed.

She needed out of this house. Tomorrow she promised to go out. Like it'd do any good. Not even her imagination wanted to hang out with her. How pathetic.

Of course in reality Pennywise had left after his little spider phone trick. He was hunting. He decided not to go after children while involved with Zella. So, he had been hunting this one guy for a couple of days. He was eighteen, not exactly a kid, but he was a bully, a cowardly one. Pennywise had been scaring him for those couple of days, giving him little frights, making him see shit only he could see that the clown controlled.

The guy was still afraid of the monster in the closet. So Penny waited until he was in bed. The guy had seriously checked the closet before he even turned out the light. So, when he was all tucked in and comfortable, Penny made his move. First, he made the closet door creak open just a bit, the sound of the door squeaking cutting through the silence. The guy's head shot up and he looked around. His heart quickly started pounding.

"Pennywise..? Penny!" The clown heard in his head. Zella's voice. He shook his head. Was she calling out to him? How was that possible? Why could he hear it? There'd be time for questions later, right now he was hungry and the human would have to wait.

"Nothing's there, moron, go to sleep." The guy told himself, but the door creaked opened further. "Who's there? Man, I got a bat, I will spilt your fucking skull, man." The door creaked opened even further and he was to his feet, grabbing the baseball bat by his bed and stalking over to the closet, heart racing and adrenaline pumping. "I ain't playing around."

He threw the door the rest of the way open and stared into the darkness that seemed to go on forever and consume the room. With a shaking hand, he reached up and pulled on the closet light and leapt back in horror, screaming.

It was a quick flash of light and he saw the evil clown screaming back at him and lurching forward with clawed hands, ready to grab him. And then it was gone and the closet went back to dark. He swallowed painfully, his mouth dry. Then he reached up and flicked the light on again. There was nothing this time, just his clothes, shoes and secret stash of porn.

He slammed the door. "I can't take much more of this. I'm going crazy." He turned and bumped right into the clown before it grabbed him by the throat and pinned him to the closet door, holding him up so his feet no longer touched the ground. He struggled, feet kicking uselessly. He also managed to wet himself.

"Aw, Terry, Terry, Terry. Don't worry, you won't have to take much more of anything." And the clown smiled, showing off rolls of shark-like teeth before opening his mouth wider. And Terry screamed and screamed. Well, before his face was bit off, that is.

Pennywise took the body back to the sewers. People would wonder where he went, maybe look for and put up flyers. But they'd never find him, and Pennywise's glamour would make sure if the cops or his mother searched her abusive son's room, they'd not find any sign of a crime at all. Even though, he left a mess. That was always funny, leaving a blood bath that no one could really see. He did it to that girl Beverly once, destroyed the bathroom in a explosion of blood. Those pesky kids could see it, her creepy pedo father couldn't. That's how his glamour worked, so he could scare the kids to eat them and the adults would be oblivious. Now he'd have to change that up some. No big deal, he'd ate plenty of adults before.

He was busy gnawing on an arm when he heard Zella angrily shout his name. He growled and in the blink of an eye was in her living room.

"You're late. Why didn't you show up?" She was frustrated.

"I'll show up when I want to, human." He snapped.

Zella flushed dark red, she twitched and clinched her teeth. She was tired of everyone acting like that around her. Just tired. He wasn't going to talk to her this way. So, she stalked over to the clown and jabbed a finger into his chest, poking him. "You'll show up when I fucking want you to." She snarled, literally like an animal.

The clown was taken aback by her behavior. No one talked to him like this, no one got in his face and shoved at him like she was now. Penny backed up and found himself being pushed down onto the couch, the human pushing him back and straddling his lap. Zella grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked hard. And yeah, he purred, he literally purred out loud. Oh, that was so nice, he liked that. Why did he like that?

"Do you hear me, Penny?" She growled and he giggled. So much passion and anger and dominance. He liked it. This was so different than how she had been earlier and it tasted so much better than eternal sorrow.

"Yes.." Another gleeful giggle. "Yess, Massster.." He hissed the Ss. He giggled again, smile wide on his full cherry red lips.

She huffed, feeling this was all a joke. "Yeah, I'd laugh at me too." She started to back off, but Penny grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close, hugging her.

"No, no, human, I didn't mean it like that. I've never had anyone to do that to me before. You're so strange to me, but I like it. You don't fear me, and you amuse me. If I didn't like you, you'd already be dead." Penny was nuzzling her neck, and purring like a very large cat, giggling every now and then. "I've never liked humans. But I like you."

"Good..?" She said it like a confused question. "I don't much care for humans either. At least, not the bad ones, not the ones like my boss. He can rot." She yawned, playing with his hair. She usually didn't like being held this long, but she didn't mind with Penny.

'And he shall..' Pennywise thought.

He allowed her to pull back a bit so she could look at and study his features, which she decided to map out with her fingers. He flinched a bit at the first touch and how she caressed his face, a thing he wasn't used to.

Her fingers touched his lips, tracing them with her thumb. They were so plump and red, beautiful full lips, rather than the usual wide painted clown's mouth made to look like ab exaggerated smile.

"You're so pretty.." Zella said quietly.

The clown huffed, pretending to pout and be insulted. "And here I'm supposed to be terrifying."

"You are that too. You're cute and scary. I love it." Her lips twitched before she wet them. Then she did the most surprising thing, she leaned forward and captured those cherry red lips, kissing him softly at first like she was gauging his reaction.

Penny was surprised, this felt different, this was new. He had never had a human kiss him before.. Well, maybe back hundreds of years ago while in human form, but never in his clown form. He closed his eyes and returned the kiss, deciding it felt nice, he liked it and wanted more of it. Zella held his head in her hands, deepening the kiss until it became desperate and sloppy.

She grabbed hold of his hair, pulling to yank his head back as she ended the kiss. "Beautiful.." She noticed his breathing was hitched, his lips parted. She wiped away the bit of drool that dripped down from them.

Penny stared, unblinking and a little creepy. "So are you.."

"No.. Not really.. I'm odd.." She said.

"So am I, and you think I'm beautiful. Maybe I like odd things too." His lips twitched into a little smirk that was too diva-like. He took her hand and turned his head to kiss her wrist, touching her with the slight show of affection. "I liked that. Can we do it again?"

"Yeah.." She kissed him again, loving the feel of those lips against her own. She kissed him until her lips were sore. She felt she could never tire of it.

She had never liked kissing. Pathetically she had had one kiss at eighteen with a boy named Eric that she wasn't into, who was pushy and grabby. She hated it. It had been storybook too. In a car, at night, full moon shining through the window, they had had ice cream beforehand. Her first kiss tasted like ice cream, and that was the only good part. She felt weird about it, which she assumed was not normal. She was supposed to like it. But she didn't like this guy and she didn't like being grabbed at and told she had to do this or that. No, she wasn't normal. She didn't want to fuck that guy. Kissing him had felt wrong.

So, she came inside after the kiss and after he had left, feeling weird all night, and like her lips didn't belong on her face. Zella hadn't known that what she had back then was anxiety. She didn't like Eric invading her space without her permission. She'd tell him no, and he never respected that. That and the douchebag told her she wasn't allowed any more tattoos, and had to take out all her piercings, except she could keep her tongue ring, because "that felt good." She laughed at him. She wasn't about to let this prick control her.

Zella may have had people anxiety- hell, she used to be scared of monsters, and now it was people she feared- but that still didn't mean she wanted to take anyone's fucking shit.

Boys didn't usually like her. People didn't usually like her, having scared away all her last friends. She had too many issues, too much emotional baggage, was too stubborn and head strong and hated being told what to do, she stood up for herself and had passionate opinions. Her mom always said she intimidated boys. Damn right, she did. If they were too pussy to handle her, then that wasn't a guy she needed or wanted.. She told herself this, and believed it.. But she was still lonely. She just never got desperate enough to cave in and not be herself. It was her they didn't like. It was just her. She had pathetically wanted them to like her for her.

She spent a childhood wondering what was wrong with her. Until she started dressing how she wanted. Her mom was usually embarrassed by it, her holey jeans, or black makeup, piercings and goth shit, her hair when dyed an unnatural color. But it was her armor. And she didn't care if people didn't like it, getting more than her fair share of dirty looks from grumpy old men in Derry. She liked it, it's why she wore it, it made her happy.

This made her happy. Penny made her happy. That should be concerning, but with the depression she faced, she usually took anything that did make her happy and ran with it, obsessing over it until exhausted. At least with this, they could tell each other, 'you're weird and I like you.'

Penny spent more time with her after that, popping up at random, coming and going as he pleased like a giant feral cat, loving to be scratched and petted, even taking naps on her couch or bed. She liked having someone who would always come back when they left. She also liked having someone to makeout with that she actually felt comfortable with. How was it that she felt more comfortable with a clown monster?

No, she definitely wasn't normal at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do take these spells, I don't care for them, but they're not as bad, I use them to rest. Most of Zella's back story is from my real life. My first kiss was like that, set up like something I would've wrote as a lovesick teenager in a fic. But I did hate it, and the guy was like I described. I changed his name for story purposes. Penny and Zella will get closer now. And I hadn't meant to take so long, but this really was kinda just like personal therapy for me. Using this damn adorable clown to feel better.

**Author's Note:**

> I like watching New Penny’s mouth as he’s talking to Georgie in the opening scene, that was what made me think the damn clown was adorable. Also the voice, the expressions, etc. I’m horror nerd enough to think that Jason spider monster would be cool. It’s silly enough for Penny. I would also never destroy my tattoo. I hate child abuse, I’d totally flip on a bitch like that in public. Also, I’m not making her mental disorders sexy, this is some emotional shit I really have to deal with and is basically my therapy right now. Penny will be referred to as It or a he. Was that a clussy tho? Yes, it was.


End file.
